Fine ?

 “Hey Pet , how are you, whats happening in your world?”

“Hiya , yeah, I’m okay , fine , a bit tired but you know nothing much , anyway , how are you , how’s the dog , your gran , the hamster , next doors brothers budgie?” 

If you’ve had a conversation with me in the last 18 months I’m pretty sure you’ll recognise this , this is what I say , what I do , I’m fine , of course I’m fine , I’ve got to be fine , but guess what , I’m not fine , not at all , quite far from fine in fact and I’m going to be honest for a change ! 

The past 18 months , well they’ve been a bit of a shit show quite frankly and it’s finally caught up with me. 

Many of you will know that my Dad died in September 2022 after being poorly for a couple of months and yes I did grieve a bit , I’m not totally heartless but I was concentrating on being fine , trying to be strong , sorting paperwork , helping other people get through it all. 

There has been a lot of change in my  world since then , not just Dad related and losing a dear friend but other friend stuff , being there to support people through various things in their lives , don’t get me wrong I was more than happy to be that support and I’d do it again in a heartbeat  , it probably helped me brush my own feelings aside but I guess it all takes its toll.

But I don’t like change , people move on , circumstances change and solid foundations start to get cracks in them and whilst I’m happy for them if they are happy (I’m not a total bitch) , I do miss how things were and I’m not gonna pretend I don’t 

So yeah , I started feeling a bit less fine in December ,but  I was busy , I had lots to do , I could bury myself in crafting , the world can all be fixed with a bit of sticky tape can’t it and yeah another defence mechanism of mine , everything is fine if you make a joke about it , add a ‘lol’ or a laughing emoji , you can’t cry if you’re laughing can you 

But then Christmas gone , my sleep pattern in even more disarray than usual and when I did sleep I was having horrible dreams , so vivid and yeah just nasty , angry and aggressive. I didn’t really want to go to sleep to honest but I was so tired and I felt anxious when I was awake , that twisting feeling in the tummy that won’t go away 

And then as it happens all the little things that have been building up become huge , insurmountable things and I find myself sitting in the loft crying my eyes out because I couldn’t  find the bag to put the Christmas tree away in , Jesus I really am being honest aren’t I , I’ve been here before depression and anxiety have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and I thought I was used to it,

So anyway I  decided that I needed a bit of a break ,a bit of a recharge ,  mainly from social media so I told a couple of friends what was going on so they wouldn’t worry , even when I’m like this I’m worrying about other people worrying , and that was that I thought 

But then I decided to write this , I’m not gonna lie , it’s very scary for me to be so open and I have debated with myself if I’m being self indulgent sharing it or should I just keep quiet and get on with stuff but to be honest that hasn’t worked too well so far has it ,  so here it is and yes I’m sharing it on my Twitter but if you comment about it please don’t be nice to me because that will just make me cry and the bears are gonna get soggy with all these tears.

Don’t worry about me , please don’t , I’m eating and taking my medication , making sure the bears are okay and I am getting some fresh air everyday , I probably won’t be able to stay away from social media for long as some of you are actually quite nice 

Thanks for reading xxx

If Social Media really was social

 Imagine your favourite social media platform …..does it say more about you than you realise?

If social media were social situations:

Facebook: Your Aunties 60th Birthday , all the family there telling you how much you’ve grown , Uncles getting drunk and trying to dance to Gangnam Style and Nan falling asleep in the corner …..a random small boy skidding across the dance floor on his knees 

Instagram: A very important invite , the event of the year ,one to be seen at 

Except everyone has gone somewhere else , there’s only 11 of you there but if you get the angles right on the photo you can make it look like there’s hundreds of you .Nobody eats any food , it’s just to be photographed 

BlueSky: Nan has invited a few people round for tea at her house , you’re in the best room and she’s got the doily’s and matching tea set out , you’re all sitting there in your good clothes not really knowing what to talk about , it all feels a bit awkward 

Snapchat: school disco , you don’t know why you’re there , the ‘cool kids’ are showing off doing all their best dance moves , wearing their most fancy clothes , you just sit on the side with a pepsi and wish you were at home 

Twitter: House party with your mates , loads of alcohol , a  few bags of crisps then someone orders pizza . Most people congregate in the kitchen , a few are outside in the garden having a quick fumble and at least one couple are having a explosive row 

Towards the end of the night people start talking politics and sex and you just know a few people are gonna regret things in the morning 

Threads: Well lots of people responded to the text and said they were going but ……..where is everyone ? 

Mastodon: That pub that everyone went to when it opened and never went back to , just one old guy sitting there with his dog nursing a warm pint 

Dating

 When you are a teen you think dating is so difficult- ‘Does he like me?’ , ‘Why do all the lads want to go out with my friends instead of me?’ , ‘How do I do ‘proper’ kissing?’,all the angst and confusion, well unfortunately kids it doesn’t get any easier when you get a bit older!

I have many friends who have used or are using the dating apps , Tinder, Bumble , Plenty Of Fish & all the others , many times they say they see the exact same faces on each app , so swiping left (or is it right?) on the same people all the time and the dating pool seems ever decreasing 

The horror stories you hear are just insane , one friend seems to attract every wrong ‘un in Essex and the surrounding areas and some of her stories are eye opening and toe curling !!! Others find out that the guy/ girl they are dating and thought was ‘the one’ is keeping options open and seeing multiple people , they say they are no longer on the apps but a quick search reveals they most certainly are 

Some people use the apps purely to pick up people for sex and if this is your thing and you are open about it then that’s okay , it’s when you promise the earth and then deliver wet mud that it’s not fair 

Then there is Twitter , I know so many people who have met their ‘person’ through Twitter ,timeline flirting leading to dms , meetings and in many cases , engagements, marriage , kids , the whole caboodle 

I personally found my person through Twitter , friends for years after he told me I was his Twitter Crush and then seeing a dm’d photo of him in a charcoal face mask just , well I don’t know , made me want to be more than just his friend ! Luckily the feeling was mutual and it’s been that way for just over a year 

Now to the issues of dating when you are in your 40s /50s …….people have past experiences, people have ‘baggage’ , people have insecurities from past relationships, body issues after having children or going into the menopause , confidence issues getting back out there after divorce and they have kids! 

Although I have been lucky and haven’t got any relationship horror stories , bad past experiences or anything like that I do have issues with depression, anxiety and self confidence , I also will admit to jealousy and overthinking big time . I also don’t have the figure I had 25 years ago , I am plus size and nothing is where it used to be back then !! 

I am a difficult person to date now I’m older (maybe it’s been always!!!) but the past year has taught me so many things , I used to bottle things up and overthink them until I worked myself up completely and then would expect my fella to be a mind reader and know what was wrong , I’d go quiet and sulky and not very nice and to be honest he had no idea what the hell I was annoyed or upset about 

I’ve learnt that I need to talk about things , I need to be open and honest , if I’m worried about something I need to ask rather than make things escalate in my mind , I also need to listen and take on his viewpoint and I need to understand                                    I’m still not perfect with all this and may never be , I have my moments but I’m more aware of when I’m getting into this mindset and will try to stop myself from making  things bigger than they are and I try not to got quiet and detached 

So dating when you are older does have its complications , if he has seen a message and not replied that doesn’t mean there’s a problem , it means that maybe one of his kids has called him to help with homework or play on the Xbox 

He might have had to work late , it doesn’t mean he’s seeing someone else 

He might have plans for the weekend already with his kids , they have to be his priority, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me , just he has to divide his attention in a few ways 

He might be having a bad day ….it’s not just me that has them 

Also try not to be someone you’re not , don’t dampen down your personality to try to be who someone else wants you to be , that’ll never work , he was attracted to you in the first place , so be you cos you’re amazing !! 

So while the angst of the teen dating experience is real to them it’s totally different when you are older. There are so many more things , people and issues to take into account , you can’t be selfish and you have to work through your insecurities or it will break you up , so that’s dating for me to be honest 

Talk , listen and give a little bit ………and have a great time , I’m no expert but that’s what I’d say !! 

You’re gorgeous

 I’d just like to say you look really gorgeous today and that colour looks great on you ,it makes your eyes look so bright and vibrant 

If you are anything like me being told the above would elicit an embarrassed response, I find it extremely difficult to accept compliments without making a derogatory comeback 

“I love that dress on you “ ……….. “I need to lose a few pounds and it would look better”

“Your hair looks amazing” ……….”ahh right , it badly needs washing”

“Your glasses are such a nice colour” ……… “they hide my eye bags well” 

Do these sound familiar ? Are these the responses you would give ? Why not just say “thanks so much , that’s kind of you”  , is it an English thing , this embarrassed modesty ? 

I see it all the time on Twitter and not just amongst women , one man who has flawless skin and a youthful face replied “I look like a potato” when complimented , another always draws attention to eye wrinkles and weight is always an issue ,  too skinny or too fat.

And even compliments on things people have made get the same responses , not just looks.  Why can’t we be proud of our achievements, will people think we are showing off ? 

With encouragement from friends I am learning to accept when people are being complimentary, I will say “thankyou so much , that’s very kind of you” instead of something negative but it is sometimes quite hard to do , nearly 49 years of  brushing off compliments is a tricky habit to break!! xx 

Toxic masculinity

 Toxic masculinity, this might be a phrase you’ve heard quite a bit recently but it’s not a new thing . The term was first heard in the 80s and 90s , probably during the money fuelled excess of that time , the ‘alpha male’ ,earning big , spending bigger , I’m in charge attitude 

But what does it really mean ? 

The term encompasses a lot , the ‘women belong in the kitchen’ misogyny, the sexist , racist and homophobic attitudes , drinking to excess , eating junk food , none of that vegetable stuff for ‘real men’.

Also ‘real men’ don’t bother going to see a doctor ‘I’m alright , I’m hard’ and dismiss women’s health issues as just ‘women’s stuff’ 

Aside from these worrying issues is the main point , toxic masculinity is stopping men from getting help with their mental health when they really need it , the notion that men don’t suffer from depression, they just need to ‘man up’ , that it’s ‘being gay’ to show any sign of weakness ,to ask for help from anyone . Men shouldn’t cry , they shouldn’t be vulnerable 

Male suicide rates are rising and suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50 this is something we cannot ignore so toxic masculinity must be called out and men need to support other men , they need to talk to their wives , mothers , sisters , friends or seek professional help or we will lose many more men to mental illness Xx 

Samaritans 116 123

National Suicide Prevention helpline 

0800 689 0880

Rethink Mental Illness 0808 801 0525

Shout text 85258

Calm helpline 0800 58 58 58

Anxiety Uk 03444 775 774 

Bae ? Boyfy? Squeeze or Steady ?

 Dating when you are older is a tricky thing isn’t it ……you’ve got your dating apps to struggle with , the swiping the matching or whatever the heck you do , then risk of ghosting , social media etiquette, baggage , and probably a million other little things but let’s not worry about that , once you’ve met Mr Right , Mr Right now or Mr ‘okay you’ll do for a bit’ there’s another thing to consider 

What do you call him ? 

No I’m not talking about wether he is Mr Snuggly Bunny , Mr Sexy bum or Mr Poopsie Patoootie (you can have those names on me okay , you’re welcome) I’m talking about the B word 

Can a man in his 40s or 50s still be called a ‘boy’friend ?

He’s not a boy , he’s hopefully a man and has been for many years , boyfriend sounds like you are 14 and asking your friend to pass notes in class , it conjures up the image of young love , maybe into the late 20s or early 30s at the oldest but definitely not as you get towards the half century and beyond 

What are the alternatives ? ‘Partner’ to me always sounds like you are solicitors or architects setting up a business together , way too formal and staid 

‘Other Half’ , well we were whole people before we got together , we weren’t half missing so this is a weird one for me . It implies you’re not a proper person unless you are joined with another 

‘The old man’ , ‘him indoors’ - no , it’s not the 1960s , these don’t work at all 

 A Google search threw up , ‘Beau’ , ‘Significant Other’ , ‘Beloved’ and ‘Suitor’ amongst others which are all very good if you are the heroine in a romance novel but a bit flowery for the 21st Century as 

‘Boo’ , ‘Bae’ , ‘Manfriend’ , ‘Steady’ and ‘Squeeze’ , no , just no , not even going there 

My Gramps ‘stepped out’ with a lady friend when he was in his 70s , he did refer to her as ‘his lady friend’ or his ‘companion’ , she was someone who accompanied him to functions , dances and other social occasions rather than anyone particularly romantic in his life but companion makes me think of being escorted by a carer rather than a lover ! 

I think the only term that’s even slightly appropriate for me is ‘my fella’ , it’s not ideal , it could be better but it’ll have to do I guess and let’s be honest it’s better than ‘my boyfy’ anyway !! Xx

White and straight ?

Right , before I start this post I want to say nothing in it is supposed to come across as at all judgemental and if it does I will apologise in advance , this isn’t an excuse but you know by now that I don’t always type things in the way they are sometimes read 

So , I left school officially in 1990 (unofficially ……well we won’t talk about that eh ) and although I live in a village my senior school combined pupils from other villages as well so I would estimate that in my school year there would be about 300 pupils . Now obviously I didn’t know them all , I wasn’t Little Miss Popular , but it dawned on my when looking at some of my school friends on Facebook that I don’t recall there being a single person in my year from the lgbtq+ community.

This can’t be right can’t it ? Surely amongst 300 pupils there must have been one person who was gay and out ? And even now as adults I can’t think of anyone who has ‘come out’ since school . There was one girl in the year above I think who was a lesbian but this seems a remarkably small number doesn’t it ? 

In contrast I know of many of my friends whose children are openly gay , trans or non binary so why wasn’t this the case in my school year ? Was it because our parents generation weren’t as accepting of anything they perceived to be ‘different’ so my generation were less likely to be open about their sexuality? I thought we had progressed a bit better than this 

I must also say that my senior school wasn’t exactly diverse either , again when I was there , there was one boy a couple of years above who was of mixed race . Now it is much better with a thriving Turkish community , kids from Caribbean families and many Asians so maybe back in 1990 I really did live in a ‘Stepford Wives’ type village where  nearly everyone was white & straight ? Xx